I used to see myself in his eyes.
I don't know why or how, but over time it began to fade.
The harder I tried to be what he wanted me to be,
the less I saw myself there.
Until one day I looked,
and I was gone.

A Heart Full of Anger...

I lie awake at night sometimes and wonder what our life could have been
The way we would be, the things we would be doing if the phone hadn't rung that day
That one moment changed you, changed me, changed us...

For years I struggled to understand the world, to understand suffering
I tried to make sense of the things that had happened to me
To find truth and forgiveness - to finally move on and build a new life

I had run so hard and so fast - trying to leave it all behind me
Only to find I left a wake trailing behind me
And when I finally came to rest, the ripples and waves caught up with me, swayed me

I fashioned a new life around you and your strength, your detachment from the life I had led
I built a fantasy around you and our new life together
I dreamed of finding peace

I pushed my family away - keeping them neatly on a shelf
I compartmentalized them, with my feelings and memories
As painful reminders of a life I was trying so hard to forget

But you too had your secrets - you too were running away
Were you hiding? Or looking for a second chance?
Was I your refuge? Or your salvation?

With one phone call, there were no more secrets, no more running, no more dreams
I had lost everything, everyone I believed in
I was alone, once again, with my hurt and my anger

So much time has passed since that day; life has found a way to move on
In so many ways I'm not sure that it has
We are still the same, frozen in that moment of time, when everything changes but you don't know what to do or how to be

I had thought you were my salvation, that the life we would build would be enough
It would be good enough to replace the pain, but it added more
A heart full of anger has no room for love

I wanted so much from you - from us
All my life I tried to complete myself with someone else
I don't want that anymore...

Sleepless Nights

As I was driving onto base the other day, the chaplain's message on the church board said "Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass. It's about learning to dance in the rain."

Sometimes that is so hard to do. Life starts to feel like one event after another - like of I can just make it through this life will slow down again. And yet somehow it never does. Something else inevitably comes along and messes things up. Life's routine is by it's very definition not routine at all. I find myself waking up in the morning and sitting with a hot mug of tea and reminding myself to face each day with a positive attitude. Life could be SOOO much worse.

And, I have a beautiful home with three loving and healthy children, plenty to eat, and nice clothes to wear. I really have nothing worthy of complaint in my life, and yet I still do. I know that happiness is a decision you make. Just lately for some reason it seems harder to put that into practice. I need to make it my daily mantra and tattoo it on the back of my hand so I don't forget it!

It is now after midnight, and I'm sitting here babbling, so I'm off to bed. So that I can face Monday with a good attitude. OK, well, being realistic, I'll settle for just not a completely piss-poor one! Night!

Quote for the Day

"Tenderness and kindness are not signs of weakness and despair but manifestations of strength and resolution."

Kahlil Gibran

Getting Old...

Well, I obviously haven't been on here in awhile. I really don't have much excuse either except that life has taken over once again, and me-time has been pushed to the back burner. I am totally feeling it now, because my brain feels ready to explode from too much pent up, well, everything!

So, it has been a crazy month here. My daughter turned 9, and for one of her presents I finally agreed to let her pierce her ears. Up until now, when I asked her why she wanted them pierced, she would always answer because the others girls have theirs pierced. I thought that was kind of a stupid reason, so I told her no. After all, if she caves in to peer pressure now, what's going to happen later when something much bigger (i.e. drugs or sex) are on the line. So, when she said because she thought it looks pretty and that she was finally old enough, I had to agree. So, I took her the other day, and she was SO excited! She does look really cute, and I keep catching her looking at herself in the mirror. My issue is only that this was on my list of rites of passage as you get older...

To make me feel even older (as if that was not enough), my son just turned 11. Yup, 11! Most days I still feel too young to have an 11 year old. But, I digress. We were out shopping the other day, picking up Halloween Costumes, and he said he didn't want one. He said he was too old to get dressed up and go Trick or Treating! Too old! What does that make me? Ancient? You know, I am not much of a Halloween girl myself, but I found myself standing in the middle of Target almost pleading with him for just one more year. He just said no thanks...

So, here I sit, late at night, unable to sleep as my husband has stinky duty and is getting ready to deploy yet again, feeling a little old and quite frankly sorry for myself. So, I think I shall go make a cup of tea, take a nice hot bath, and melt my troubles away.

I'll Wait For You

You left me today
before the dawn

I watched you walk away
into the shadow
and the mist
regretting what was unsaid
knowing that you heard it anyway

I fear for you
and for me
that you won't
come home
that you'll leave me
alone
that I'll wait for you
on the pier
in the rain
and you won't come

the days stand still
when you're away
I lament you absence

and I await your return

Snowflake's Meme

Rules: - Pick your birth month.-
Bold the 5-10 that best apply to you.-
Copy to your own journal, with all twelve months.-
Tag 12 people from your friends list.
Click here to get the list of all twelve months.

NOVEMBER: Has a lot of ideas. Difficult to fathom. Thinks forward. Unique and brilliant. Extraordinary ideas. Sharp thinking. Fine and strong clairvoyance. Can become good doctors. Dynamic in personality. Secretive. Inquisitive. Knows how to dig secrets. Always thinking. Less talkative but amiable. Brave and generous. Patient. Stubborn and hard-hearted. If there is a will, there is a way. Determined. Never give up. Hardly becomes angry unless provoked. Loves to be alone. Thinks differently from others. Sharp-minded. Motivates oneself. Does not appreciate praises. High-spirited. Well-built and tough. Deep love and emotions. Romantic. Uncertain in relationships. Homely. Hardworking. High abilities. Trustworthy. Honest and keeps secrets. Not able to control emotions. Unpredictable.

Brilliant may be stretching it a bit, but I am very smart!

Iran...What the %$#@?

So here is my daily rant - I hopped online yesterday to read my email and the news on CNN, like always. Usually the news just makes me plain old sad - to see all the crap that's going on in the world...But today it pissed me off - completely pissed me off! I was reading this article about how some Iranian ships had a confrontation with the US Navy in the Gulf. Iran denies any such thing, but apparently three Iranian vessels approached a Navy ship, one of which got close enough they had to fire a warning shot. The US Navy says it was no big deal, but, like I said, Iran says it didn't happen. In fact, here is the quote that appeared in the IRNA (the official Iranian news agency).

IRNA said the U.S. media "tries to portray the Persian Gulf as a turbulent area in order to prepare the grounds for the permanent presence of U.S. forces in the region."

Excuse me?! I believe they are the country currently continuing their nuclear energy program (purely for energy reasons, of course - note the sarcasm...) which the UN has repeatedly told them to stop. They have given us every reason (and don't get me started on their role in the War on Terrorism in the Middle East), by refusing to heed to UN's warnings, to feel our presence in the Gulf in entirely necessary. Honestly, do you want Iran to have Nuclear weapons?

Do they just think that things are going so damn well in Iraq and Afghanistan that we're looking to go to war with them too? Like we've got nothing better to do as a country with our resources to to maintain peace and fight for freedom throughout the entire world!

Honestly, there are some days when I feel we are on the brink of World War III with the Middle East! I just don't understand how religious differences have gotten so entirely out of hand. Does anyone honestly believe (except for the extremist Muslims like Al-Qaeda) that this is actually what God wants?

You Left Me

After the divorce
I left you
or you left me,
pushed me away
I thought time
would lessen my grief
help me to forgive you
forget you

but we are bound by
a much higher purpose
ordained by God
chosen purposely
nurtured

I sought answers
again and again
your approval
again and again

but you left me
alone with my
shattered illusions
and my cynicism

slowly I withered
like an apple
fallen to the ground
firm flesh
muddled and distorted
misshapen
till it was
unrecognizable
rotten and bitter

you left me
with my hurt
and my hatred

you left me

Your Kiss

You woke me
with your kiss
softly
tentatively
seeking and asking
asking became needing
aching
longing
then demanding

your heart exposed
in that kiss
your passion
raw
searching for approval
affirmation

it haunts me still
a memory cloaked
in sweetness
dripping like honey

My True Self?

Sometimes as an adult, I feel like I've lost myself - grown into some person I don't even recognize. I am no longer free-spirited or impulsive, daring to be...well, anything. Now I'm just so rigid. I try to tell myself it's just practical - responsible, but I'm really afraid, to be me, to fail.

Sometimes I just close my eyes and remember those times as a little girl when I would dance, spinning in circles until I got dizzy, that feeling of peace in my heart - like for one moment nothing mattered but the wind on my face and the feeling of floating.

Maybe the truth is that I've always really been like this. Somewhere I grew up - too early in so many ways. I lost my faith in everything good - so young when everyone let me down and turned out to be not worthy of my trust. And so I became strong and independent, trusting in only myself.

Then I wanted so desperately not to be uptight that I just made a huge effort to be bold.

So which is it really? That I lost my free-spiritedness when I became better acquainted with the world? Or did I finally settle into my true self?

The Mirror

I looked in the mirror this morning
I saw you staring back at me
with your cold
disapproving gaze
penetrating my heart
knowing what truth lies there

you do not understand
have never understood

I hate you for it
for a life of never feeling good enough
of letting myself down
because I held myself to your standard
unknown and relentless

so I turned away rather than
admit defeat

Our Walk

You kissed me
that night
on the side
of the road
anyone could see
we fell in step
with our hands
and hearts
entwined

all these years
later
we are still
walking

Do You See Me?

We made love tonight
on a bed of comfort
lost in each other
and in our selves

and I wonder
do you see me?
do you know...

I have lost myself
somewhere along the way
of me becoming you
and you into I
and us
into each other

what has become of me?
do you see?

Frosted Flakes

(Stay with me here...I have been writing in my journal but not posting for some time - I wasn't really this industrious today.)

I had a bowl of Frosted Flakes this morning, which in and of itself is nothing particularly extraordinary. In fact, truth be told, my adult self doesn't really even like them very much. But they remind me so much of my childhood, which is beginning to seem to very long ago and far away.

I used to spend a great deal of time with my grandparents over the summer in Cape Cod. Every morning for breakfast my grandfather would eat a bowl of Frosted Flakes, an English muffin, a glass of orange juice and a cup of coffee (that I remember anyway). I really don't know if he ever ate anything else.

I know that over the years it too became my ritual, only switch the cup of coffee for milk. I was never allowed cereal like Frosted Flakes at home, so it was a very special treat - just like visiting my grandparents'.

And oh how I loved and adored my grandpa! He was hands down my idol and my knight in shining armor.

He taught me how to play 500 Rummy, which I know is nothing particularly special, but we would play for hours. He taught me strategy, and how to lose gracefully (I never could beat him). But it was during those simple games of rummy that we really bonded. He told me stories about my mom and uncle, about life during the Great Depression, and the wars he had lived through, what was in the news, and even how to play golf.

If we weren't playing rummy, we were most likely to be found at the beach. We would leave in the morning after our highly nutritious bowls of the afore mentioned Frosted Flakes, break shortly for lunch, and return every afternoon.

He never minded the long hours at the beach - because he would set his blanket down next to the most beautiful bikini clad college girls. They all just adored him, after all, he was charming.

But he would always come in the water with me, encouraging me to be a fearless swimmer. And then we'd walk the beach - I'd collect shells and he'd talk to the fisherman. We'd watch the endless parade of boats.

By late afternoon we always returned covered in sand. But after dinner were the hours I loved best, just listening to all the grown-ups play "Oh, Hell." Even listening to their voices quietly carry from the living room to the family room where I slept on the pull out sofa, hearing the clock my Uncle Ron had given them for their anniversary chime.

I guess what I cherish most about my time on the Cape, other than the incredible relationships I had with my grandparents, is the fact that the Cape was the only place my parents were really together and getting along. I could always find a peace there that eluded me the rest of my childhood.

And so this morning, my simple bowl of Frosted Flakes took me on a glorious trip down memory lane, with my grandpa so close I could almost see his sparkling blue eyes.

I look forward to another bowl tomorrow!

The Fire

You raged like a
fire inside me
and I was consumed
by it

In the end all that
remained
was rubble and soot
the broken bits of me

a pile of ash
for all my love

in time it blew away

and now
nothing remains of you

Elie Wiesel

I must preface what follows, by first saying that I thought Night was one of the most astounding and incredibly humanizing books EVER written. I never realized (the me living in some alternate universe I guess) that Elie Wiesel has actually written tons of other books (I mean like 80 something...). So, since I loved Night so much, I decided to read The Judges. It was a bit dark, entirely surprising to be honest. I was thinking about it today, after reading yet another article about President George Bush and our proposed withdrawal of troops from Iraq this summer (stay with me here).

When I read the book, I wrote down a quote which I wasn't entirely sure I agreed with at the time, but struck me none the less for its audacity.

"Since we have to use evil to destroy evil, it's better to do it with fervor and determination. And because the evil that confronts us is infinite we must hunt it down beyond national frontiers, wherever we find it. And we must do this here and now."

So, now I must digress for a minute...When I first read this I was appalled that it was actually written by a man who had received the Nobel Peace Prize. But the more I thought about it, the more I came to realize that it could only be someone who had suffered through and survived something like the Holocaust who could ever truly give an opinion on something like this. The reality of my life is that no matter how many novels like Night I may read about the Holocaust, I can NEVER in a thousand years understand what it truly must have been like. As often as I read the news, can I ever truly understand Evil? Evil the likes of which have never touched my life?

Little by little, I came to realize that what he was saying was not all together different from what he said in his Nobel Prize Acceptance Speech which I lauded with the highest praise, and said that anyone questioning why the United States needed to send troops into Afghanistan and Iraq should read.

"...And then I explain to him how naive we were, that the world did know and remained silent. And that is why I swore never to remain silent whenever and wherever human beings endure suffering and humiliation. We must take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented. Sometimes we must interfere. When human lives are endangered, when human dignity is in jeopardy, national borders and sensitivities become irrelevant. Whenever men and women are persecuted because of their race, religion, or political views, that place must - at that moment - become the center of the universe...Human rights are being violated on every continent. More people are oppressed than free. How can one not be sensitive to their plight? Human suffering anywhere concerns men and women everywhere...There is so much to be done, there is so much that can be done. One person - a Raoul Wallenberg, an Albert Schweitzer, a Martin Luther King, Jr. - one person of integrity can make a difference, a difference of life and death. As long as one dissident is in prison, our freedom will not be free. As long as one child is hungry, our life will be filled with anguish and shame. What all these victims need above all is to know that they are not alone; that we are not forgetting them, that when their voices are stifled we shall lend them ours, that while their freedom depends on ours, the quality of our freedom depends on theirs."

Which brings me full circle to the first quote about evil...I am a debater by my very nature, a debater and a pacifist. I think the whole damn world should be made to sit down and take lessons about how not to be selfish and how to learn to get along (something which most basic kindergartners are taught...note the sarcasm there). If we could all be selfless, there would be no need for war. If...that is such a big word!

I know in reality though, that most people are selfish (myself included in this list, despite my best efforts not to be). So then what is the solution when people can't agree, or agree to disagree, and diplomacy fails?

Is that we have become? As a nation? We've taken on the roll of the enforcers of the UN (although I will give England a wee bit of credit on that front - a wee bit mind you). As we struggle to get a handle on the issue during this year of elections, can we easily say we should withdraw our troops? Whatever our original purpose for sending troops to Iraq, and whatever Bush told us was our justification, the fact remains that we are currently engaged in war in Iraq. We have captured Saddam Hussein, and he has now been successfully tried, found guilty of and executed for mass genocide. But still the country is in turmoil, largely because of our interference in their country. Can we in good conscience walk away from the situation with things still so unresolved? And don't get me started on Al-Qaeda and the Taliban...

And moreover, does anything Hussein or the insurgents did/are doing, justify our use of force and violence in their country? Is this the evil that must be used to destroy evil? Can we justify what we are doing?

I know that there are no right or wrong answers to these questions. I feel we do have a moral obligation to help, I am just no longer sure we are...

The God of Small Things

I just finished reading this book called The God of Small Things, and I was thinking it over (as I always do). I liked the book, but it wasn't exactly the BEST book I've ever read. It was well written, and I've certainly never read anything like it before. But I think what struck me the most were the characters - they were all incredibly flawed. The author exposed the most vile and ugly parts of human nature, even the parts of ourselves that don't always make sense; jealousy, love, anger...Through it she was able to really draw you into the family dynamics of the people that the story was about, something usually way too complex to develop in the short space of a book.

Anyway, there was a scene where the family had been out at the movies, one they had travelled for two hours to see and were very excited about seeing. The son ended up sick and they had to leave the movie early. The daughter who was angry with the mother for making them leave early, insulted her.

Her mother asked her, "Do you realize what you've just done?"

The daughter knew she had crossed the line and was expecting to be punished, simply replied, "What?"

The mother answered, "When you hurt people, they begin to love you less. That's what careless words do. They make people love you a little less."

It is such a simple statement, but it is so true. In the grand scheme of life, in our relationships when we date, and with our friends, and I think to a lesser degree with our families, it holds entirely true. Every failed relationship I've had started to weaken after each argument, until eventually there was nothing left. It was because it is harder to love someone when they hurt you; you begin to close yourself off and protect yourself and grow angry towards the person who hurt you.

I think it holds especially true in a marriage. The divorce rate is so high today, and we see all the time the effect on couples who get married because they are "in love" and then fall apart. I think a large part of it is not understanding what true love really is, that it is much deeper than the "in love" infatuation and desire you feel for someone when you first meet them. But I also think it is because we so often get caught up in our righteous indignation and anger and say things we shouldn't. Even if they are the truth, there are some words better left unspoken. And I think it takes commitment on both sides of a marriage to not say things in anger or to hurt, and when they are to not let them make you see the person as lesser in your eyes.

I also know that is easier said than done. We all hope to have a love that will transcend all, but in the end we are only human. We have all said things that have hurt, and we have all been on the receiving end at one point in time as well. And somewhere in there, our love is never the same. It serves as a daily reminder to be careful what you say, that our words can so often be weapons, and we so often use that weapon to hurt people we love.

Attitude of Gratitude

My friend "Snowflake" is reading a book called the Attitude of Gratitude in an attempt to be more grateful for the many blessings in her life. She has taken up the challenge, and issued it in turn, to find 10 things each day for which you are grateful.

I'm not sure I can do it every day, but for today...

1. A warm cup of French Vanilla Cafe after the kids go to bed - the perfect end to a great day!

2. Georgia Winters - it was a balmy 68 degrees with a slight breeze today, making it perfect!

3. A good book, which make you think, tells some hidden truth in your own soul, and even inspires you.

4. Mail drops...We got word today they're going to send mail out to my husband's submarine. I know he's only been gone a week, but it has been a really long week. And you know what they say, absence makes the heart grow fonder. It's so much easier to see the good in someone when you miss them so much - he truly is my other half, the one who completes me. And it's not that I need him beside me, it's that I want him beside me.

5. Shopping for new clothes! I bought new shorts today, and thanks to a month of working out every day, I'm back to my old, pre-baby size. Can you see me doing the happy dance? Makes that 200 sit-ups a day worth it!!

6. Open-toed shoes!

7. My children - they have really risen to the challenge this week my husband has been gone. They've been incredibly helpful and thoughtful.

8. Chik-Fil-A and their yummy waffle fries. Man did I miss those when we were in Connecticut.

9. Ending the day with a clean kitchen, because that means, more importantly, that I wake up to one.

10. My husband's car - I've been driving his car while he's been gone, and it is so fun. After 8 years of the dreaded minivan and the curse of the soccer mom stigma, I LOVE driving something smaller. Open up the sun roof, crank some good music...

And now, I'm thankful that it's bedtime, and I have the most comfortable new mattresses on the planet!

A Single Step

So you know what they say, a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. Today I took my first step.

Throughout my life I have kept a mental list of all the things I would like to do, try, learn, places to visit...(As I think we all do.) One of my goals was to learn to play the guitar.

So today, after many weeks of painstaking research about models, books, size, the whole left-handed right-handed thing, I finally bought a guitar, case, strings, picks and a book and DVD set that claims it can teach even the most inept beginner how to play.

I ordered it online, and I CANNOT wait for it to arrive. I feel like a little kid on Christmas Eve with childish anticipation. I love that - that feeling of sublime elation when you almost don't want to get what you desire because then the joy of anticipation will be over. Almost...

In all honestly though, it almost excites me more because it is something I have always wanted to learn. It makes me happy to think I'm taking steps to make some of my dreams come true.

William Wordsworth

Sometimes I come across a quote that speaks so directly to my heart, it feels as if it echoes something inside me. Today it is Wordsworth...

"More like a man flying from something that he dreads, than one who sought the thing that he loved."

When I left home to go to college, I think that everyone was so sure that I knew what I wanted to do and be like, where I wanted to go, the life I wanted to live. But the truth is that I had only a vague idea. I wasn't really running towards something, some dream, so much as I was running away. The life that my parents had always led, in a small town, in what felt like an antiquated life frightened me. It was the last place, and certainly the last life I envisioned for myself.

I did run, from high school, from college, from Maine, as if in running I could find my answer, the elusive something waiting out there for me.

I kept on running, only to end up in Saint Mary's, a town in so many ways like home. But I know that I could never go back. It holds too much pain and memory. It knows too much of me and the parts of my life I have tried so hard to forget and leave behind.

I often wondered if that was the very reason I have to go back - to find the peace and comfort that could only ever be found on the other side of remembering, and forgiveness.

Somewhere along the way I realized that roads aren't for destinations but for journeys. In my running I came back to myself, one day and one place at a time.

And now I am where I should be. I carry a small piece of Maine in my heart like a talisman. It often warms me when the days and nights get long. I can lose myself in my memories of the ocean - the surf and the sand, and then somehow things seems all right.

Life is Sucky Sometimes

Okay, so I know that this is not even remotely deep or profound today, but sometimes you've just got to bitch and moan. So my hubby sailor left Monday morning (at the butt crack of dawn) to head out to sea for the first time in three years. Can we just say this was not exactly an auspicious start to the week. I mean really, did it have to be Monday morning? My three year old woke up way too early and spent the entire day driving everyone crazy, so that by the time her bed time rolled around, my older two actually asked me if it was always going to be like that when daddy's gone. After the 10 hellish patrols we put in the last time my husband was on sea-duty - in which everything that could happen did, the pessimist was thinking, yeh, pretty much. But I did my best to overcome my bad attitude so as not to sour them, and said of course not, blah, blah, blah. You get the idea.

Yesterday, smooth sailing. Caught up on a few projects I needed to get taken care of, cleaned the house top to bottom, ended the day with a movie and bowl of popcorn, enjoying the sole possession of the remote control.

Today was my oldest son's field trip. Of course as soon as they got where they were going he started throwing up. I was by then 40 minutes in the opposite direction trying (and I say trying) to get Easter all wrapped up, when the school calls me. By the time I would make it up there to pick him up, they would be leaving to head home anyway. I finally meet him at the school when they get back, and he comes dragging in wearing his winter jacket (it was like 75 out today) and not looking so good. His lips were cracked and purple, and he was carrying his uneaten lunch, including his juice. So he had been out in the sun on this field trip all day long and had not had anything to drink, nothing, zippo, big fat nada in the Georgia heat, I mean, duh. Can we get any dumber? And they honestly couldn't figure out why he was sick!?!?!?!?!? I wanted to hurt someone at this point...

I get him home, hydrated and doctored up with Ibuprofen to get his fever down, and within an hour he ate lunch, got up off the couch and went and played the rest of the day. Dinner appetite was fine, and he's bummed that he can't go to school tomorrow because of their 24 hour fever-free rule.

I've got enough stress in my life managing our house, finances and three children while my husband is gone that I really don't need some idiot making my job harder because they can't even exercise common sense and get the boy a drink. ARGH!!!!!

All I could think of was that line in Robots where Fender asks Rodney, "Had a bad day? Just remember there's another coming tomorrow!"

Okay, big sigh of relief...tomorrow is another day. I am going to go have a glass of wine and soak in a very long, very hot bubble bath until all my troubles melt away and I can go to bed rejuvenated and ready to be open-minded and even excited about the possibility of another day!

And hugs to you Snowflake, MIL will soon be gone and you will be free once more!!!

Who is Part of My Life

Snowflake tagged me for a meme yesterday, so here goes.

"There is so much to be done, there is so much that can be done. One person - a Raoul Wallenberg, an Albert Schweitzer, a Martin Luther King, Jr. - one person of integrity can make a difference, a difference of life and death. As long as one dissident is in prison, our freedom will not be true. As long as one child is hungry, our life will be filled with anguish and shame. What all these victims need above all is to know that they are not alone; that we are not forgetting them, that when their voices are stifled we shall lend them ours, that while their freedom depends on ours, the quality of our freedom depends on theirs." an excerpt from Elie Weisel's Nobel Prize acceptance speech Dec. 10, 1986

If we do not change the direction we are headed, we will end up where we are going. - Chinese Proverb

Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside awakens. - Carl Jung

Nothing happens...but first a dream. - Carl Sandburg

Holding anger is poison. It eats you from inside. We think that hating is a weapon that attacks the person who harmed us. But hatred is a curved blade. And the harm we do, we do to ourselves. - Mitch Albom, from The Five People You Meet in Heaven

They're certainly entitled to think that, and their entitled to full respect for their opinions. But before I can live with other folks, I've got to live with myself. The one thing that doesn't abide by majority rule is a person's conscience. - Harper Lee from To Kill a Mockingbird

And lastly, not a quote but a poem - I love it too much to leave it out though...

Come my friends 'tis not too late to seek a newer world. For my purpose holds to sail beyond the sunsets and though we are not now that strength which in old days moved earth and heaven, that which we are we are, one equal temper of heroic heart. May weak by time and fate but strong by will to strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield. - Tennyson

My Shelter

The chill swept
over me
complete
achingly
hauntingly
I reached
for you
sure you would
give me warmth
comfort me
complete me
you were
already gone

it seemed colder
to me then

I pulled your
pillow to me
smelling you there
as if the
nearness of you
would be
my shelter

My Ocean

Lately I have been puzzling (and puzzling) over what I want to do with my life, what will make me happy and bring me joy. I guess it has taken me on one incredibly long trip down memory lane, trying to remember places and times in my life when I was happy, and reviving my dreams and goals.

For some reason the other night, I was reminded of the beach I used to visit back home, called Hendrick's Head. It was hands down my favorite beach, especially because all the tourists didn't know it existed. The ones who found it by chance were way too chicken brave the cold water and the rocky ocean bottom.

I loved the warm summer nights after an evening in town, when I would head out and watch the sunset while sitting on the rocks near the light house, walking barefoot in the sand, feeling every last bit of warmth in it.

I went there in love and anger, in confusion, in loss, and even in despair a time or two. The waves echoed my thoughts and soothed me. The hard surf always took my anger with the tide and left me with only peace.

It always amazed me that something as inexplicably mysterious as the ocean could help me figure out so much. It was the silence I needed to hear again and again.

Sometimes I ache for it, the way your body needs oxygen. In desperation I drive down to the Saint Mary's waterfront to see the sailboats and find some tiny piece of my heaven.

The water was a mystery
a gentle lapping
a raging storm
it held me inside itself
waiting to be discovered
unraveled

the sand in my toes
held the warmth of a dear friend
the wind in my hair
the life

it stretched on and on
as if forever
a me without limit
or end

A Fire and Fear

I just finished reading To Kill a Mockingbird earlier, and I was thinking about a scene where one of the neighbors' houses caught on fire. The little girl Jean Louise and her brother stood down the street watching, afraid of the flames and what might become of their own house if the wind shifted in the wrong direction. Jean was anxious and kept asking her brother whether or not they should start moving their belongings out of their own house to safety. He put his arm around her to keep her warm and reassure her, and he said, "it ain't time to worry yet. I'll let you know when."

It reminded me of the time when I was a little girl and we had a chimney fire in the stove in our kitchen. We were all quickly rushed outside in our pajamas and robes, clutching our stuffed animals with blankets draped over our shoulders.

The fire trucks came, and with it a flurry of activity. The ladders came out and the firemen donned their gear, connected the hose to the tanker truck. My father had been the chief of the volunteer fire department for years, so this was not all together a new experience for me. I knew the other firemen, had even ridden in parades on the very trucks now parked in my yard.

But this was so different. I had always loved to watch the flames dance, as a moth is drawn to light. But these flames threatened something else, something sacred to me - my home. I never even saw the them, yet they scared me more than any other thing ever had.

It was not my toys or any of our things I worried about - not people or pets. We were all safe, sitting helplessly in the driveway cloaked in a pervasive fear that chilled us to our marrow. I was afraid for my home - I do not mean our house, the inanimate object made of wood. I mean home, the word that so often defines our sense of self and comfort, our place of being, and belonging. We could always move elsewhere, to build a new life. But it could never be the same, the very newness of it the reason.

I would miss the pencil marks on the door jamb where my mother had measured us over the years, the spot on the wall where the dog had worn the pattern off the wall paper by lying up against it every time he came inside. I would miss playing clubhouse in the cubbyhole under the eaves with my best friend Sarah.

I think in some small way it was then that fear began to creep into my life - not an all-controlling fear, and certainly not incapacitating. A fear ever present in my sub-conscious that made me begin to see the what-ifs in life, to somehow overthink the possibilities of what could happen, what could go wrong.

I remembered that fear today as I read and identified with Jean Louise. It seems like such a distant memory now, the fire and the fear. I am still sometimes afraid (even when I have no just cause), but I am slowly learning to let go. We all need someone to tell us, "it ain't time to worry yet. I'll tell you when."

My Escape

There is a place at home I rarely talk about because it is so sacred and beautiful to me that words seem inadequate to ever describe the hold it has on my heart. It's a small nature preserve called Schmid's Preserve, named after Charles Schmid who donated the land to the town in 1972. It's 650 acres became my personal paradise, my bliss.

You see my parents separated when I was young, and after two years of arguing and struggling, my mom dragged me off to start a new life. After another three years, and countless fights later, I was desperate to go live with my father and brothers again, to go "home," back to "my school." I was too young to understand that you can never go back.

Little did I know the difficulties that lay in store for me that year I returned. It remains to this day my biggest regret. But as they say, hind sight is 20/20.

And so, when times got tough, life a little too intense, the nature preserve became my sanctuary, my refuge. I could not have survived without it.

As it was just a short walk down the road, I found myself down there two or three times a week. I even made the trek up there in winter when my footprints were the only sign of life in my wholly unspoiled paradise.

I wandered the paths so often they became second nature to me. And I never tired of them. I drew strength from their beauty and their endurance. I was stirred by the continual growth and the abundance of life, a life that could not contain itself.

It is the memory of my enchantment which inspired this poem...

I used to go there
when I needed to escape

the paths glittered
tiny specks of Micah
reflecting the faint
bits of sunlight
tinkling through the
lush canopy of leaves

I came to know
the paths intimately
each one a lost friend
with whom I longed to be reunited
they were still and quiet
with softly filtered light

till the paths grew wider
threw themselves into a field
verdant and unspoiled
my haven

I would lay in the grass
caressing the soft blades
beneath my fingers
as if I could somehow absorb
the mystery and strength
of the earth
of God himself

I never saw anyone there
I did not take with me
I counted on my solace
as if I alone knew it existed

Sometimes I ended up there,
wandering through the woods
and my mind
not knowing what had carried me there
what inexplicable force tied me there

but with a paper and a pencil
the world was open to me
I was free
free of every hurt and injustice
every cruel thing that threatened me

It was my salvation

The Gentle Hush

The earth lies still
the gentle hush
the morning mist
and softly settled dew
full of life
and possibilities

then a breath
the world awakens
a bird, a bud, the sun
slowly life emerges

the want of sun
instead of rain
the parting clouds
and a clear path
a reflection and a dream

I pull it close
up to my breast
the warmth
the hope
and in it find
my strength

New Year's Resolutions...Or Not

I am WAY overdue with my New Year's Resolutions, which I promised my friend Snowflake two months ago, and I don't have even the faintest trace of a good excuse. It's not that I don't have dreams or goals, specific things I want to achieve. It just seems that if I write it in a Resolution, and it does not come to pass, I am so disappointed in myself. It's too disheartening to make another round of promises to myself that never come to fruition - especially as the circumstances are so often beyond my control.

So instead, this year I will adopt a motto, a philosophy to challenge each new day, to seek possibilities and answers, come closer to fulfillment and further along the path to the ever elusive enlightenment we all hope to find.

I choose Thoreau because this particular verse is so apropos considering my state of mind these past two years.

"I went to the woods because I wanted to live deliberately.
I wanted to live deep and suck out all of the marrow of life.
To put to rest all that was not life,
And not when I came to die,
Discover that I had not lived."

After my third dear daughter was born, I struggled for many months trying to readjust to the demands of a newborn, and she with her own particular challenges. I loved her, but somehow I felt that all my parenting had sucked me dry - left me spent and hollow. I could read here and there, and learned to bake yet another kind of cookie. But somehow in the midst of tummy time and "Baby Beluga" I lost myself.

I had no time for the things that brought me joy. Do not mistake me to mean that my children do not bring me joy. But there was a part of me before children that enjoyed so many other things, sought out knowledge and experience for personal growth. These were the things I longed for, my personal joy, time to just sit with a cup of tea and think or write in my journal.

My mind was swimming with the mundane, and I found myself floundering, struggling to stay afloat. I once told my husband that I felt I was walking a fine line to crazy, and I was dangerously close to slipping over the edge.

A time came when I simply relished the passing of time, to check off one more day, one more week, one more month...I let life slip through my fingers every day, unable to stop it and worse, not even caring any more - most days.

But there were moments of light, when I mourned for the "life" I was missing in the monotony. I wanted joy and peace in my life every day. I wanted to do the things I have always wanted to try and to learn, to fulfill my destiny and my dreams, so that I would not come to die only to "discover that I had not lived."

Soon the fear of never doing, only imagining, took hold, and I pulled myself up by my boot straps. I put my endless volunteering on hold and devote time each day to the things that make my life richer: reading, writing, exercise, music. I feel I am slowly returning to a self I have not seen in many, many long years. I WILL "live deliberately...live deep and suck out all the marrow of life."

You Will Leave Soon

It's quiet now
late and dark
but you will leave soon
and there will be noise
a cacophony
like a great thundering herd
and I shall have
no peace
until you return