I just got an email from BlogHer saying they thought my blog was an excellent fit for their blogging network!  Oh yeah!  I was SO hoping for that!  Unfortunately there's a waiting list... but, I can wait!

I'm so happy right now that I don't think I'll be able to go to sleep for awhile, despite the fact that I'm exhausted.  Maybe it's a sign I should clean my office or something...

Its Christmas day here and I’m so glad the day is over.  My heart was so not in it this year – from start to finish.

Everywhere I went the things that usually fill this season with joy and magic just made me sad.  No amount of music or festive lights, or holiday baking managed to put me on the mood.  I felt like I was painting on a smile, pretending that everything was fine and wonderful, when really it’s anything but fine.

I can’t even stand to look at our Christmas tree because I know that this is the last year that all of the ornaments will be together, and it will be our family tree.  And it breaks my heart.  How do you take all the homemade mangers and angels and divide them? How do you let go without feeling like you’re letting go of the moment your child gave it to you with a look of such pride on his face?

Every time I turned around I was bombarded with yet another picture of a shining happy family at Christmas time.  It just made me SO jealous!  I’m just so tired of being alone on birthdays, and anniversaries, and Christmases…

I know that’s not right, and I don’t really begrudge anyone their happiness.  But sometimes it just feels so unfair… sigh.

I just don't know what my problem is lately and why I can't just snap out of it.

I'm  thinking this might be my new theme song...

Today felt like an eternity, every minute stretching on like a lifetime before me. I had such a hard time focusing, and being positive. I felt like I just wanted to step outside of my skin for a minute, to be someone else, somewhere else, walking a different path.

To try and shake the blues away, I went for a walk with my daughters down the abandoned railroad tracks near our house. It was so still and quiet, just the faint breeze, and the crunch of gravel under our feet.

We picked wildflowers, found seashells in the woods, looked at animal tracks in the dirt,

and enjoyed the last roses of the season.

We even found a few mushrooms along the way!

But most importantly it settled my heart. I found peace there in the woods with my girls. A calm reserve to face another day with gratitude and focus my energy on the beauty in my life that surrounds me every day.

It’s been a scant few hours since we said goodbye.

the words still hang in the air

like a faint echo in my heart

threatening to overwhelm me

with the sudden stillness.

Never have the words I love you seemed so inadequate

and incomplete,

and yet never have they rung so true.

I lie here in bed with my face buried in the blanket

looking for a trace of you there,

longing for your warmth and comfort

your reassurance.

I already miss your voice,

your quiet strength

and your companionship.

I worry about what will come to be in the months to pass.

Will you decide you don’t need me?

Or want me?

Are you better without me?

So I sit here willing the phone to ring,

knowing it’s late and you’re already gone,

wanting it to be you anyway.

Everything in me is tightening,

curling in around this ache

struggling to hold onto the memory of you,

of us.

You are a piece of me

that I don’t want to let go of…

I’ve walked so far today that one of my calf muscles won’t stop twitching.  This certainly didn’t help…

Somehow, I let my daughter talk me into climbing all 219 stairs to get to the top of the Saint Augustine Lighthouse.  Man I love that girl…

Once up at the top, I even managed to let go of the railing.  Ok, so it was only for like 10 seconds, but it was 10 seconds longer than the last time I was there… Granted it was hard to enjoy the view on account of the heart attack I was having.  Although I’m honestly not sure if that was from climbing all those stairs or from the fact that I was standing on a balcony a few hundred feet in the air…

Once I could beathe again, the view was stunning.

It was probably a good thing we walked so far on account of all the bakeries we visited today.  And I sure as heck didn’t just look in their windows.  It started with a perfectly made croissant here…

And ended with a light and flaky Napoleon here…

It’s this awesome combination of walking and sugar which explains why I’m currently lying here facing the ugly truth that I’m not as young as I once was.  It makes me feel slightly better that my pre-teen is also lying here looking like she just finished a marathon.  I’m not sure what that says about me that I find joy in that.  At the rate we’re going, I’m going to need a vacation to recover from my vacation!

I’m off to bed – I have a feeling that tomorrow is going to involve more walking and lots of chocolate…

It’s Friday morning – my company has gone home, the kids are all back in school, and my TO DO list is completely out of control.  As such, I’ve placed an insane amount of pressure on myself to get it all done.  At this point, I don’t even know where to begin.

I’ve always found the best thing to do when I reach this place, is just to put everything on the shelf for awhile and just walk away.

So instead of worrying about whether or not I can pull off my final Baking project in two hours or any of the other junk on my list, I’m sitting here at the park by the waterfront with a cup of tea, looking at this…

The water is calm and still, the fishermen have already headed out for the day, and the birds are twittering happily away.  Life continues on in the quiet rhythm of a small town.  I find so much peace and comfort in this.

My favorite boat in the harbor has just pulled up to the dock to refuel and take on water.  It’s SO beautiful.  It’s truly amazing what a man can achieve with nothing more than a dream and some determination.

I guess I just feel like it’s time to refocus.  It’s time for me to take this stress and turn it into something positive, to allow it to be a driving force to help me accomplish my goals rather than hinder them.

I’ve spent so long letting myself be ruled by my fears and self-doubt.  I’ve let these last few weeks knock me off course and threaten my dream of the future.  But if I let this sway me and deter me from my dream, then I can’t have wanted it badly enough.  When that thought first occurred to me, I let it take hold of me in a way that almost convinced me that I didn’t want it badly enough.  But now, the fighter in me is waking up.  And this is not my dream...

When I get to this place of internal calm, I can see everything so clearly, and I know exactly what I want.  I know too that I’ll fight tooth and nail to get it.  I will find a way to build my dream.

And now, with a content heart, I can go home and tackle my mountainous TO DO list, with a good attitude and a strong determination to achieve what I desire.

As I pulled away on Friday morning, I felt this immense relief – as if the weight of the world had been lifted off my shoulders, a weight I hadn’t entirely realized I’d been carrying.

With four days and the open road in front of me, I felt free, full of hope and possibility.  With each mile more down the road, I felt the distance growing between this old life that was no longer working and this new life I still needed to create.  It was time for me to mold and shape that new life – to see the world as a blank canvas and me the artist in control of the palette.

I just didn’t know where to begin.  Or how.  Truth be told, maybe I was still struggling with why.  The only thing I knew for sure was that it needed to start with stillness.  I needed to quiet my heart and my mind so that I could see the possibilities and the opportunities when they presented themselves.

It seems crazy to me that the weekend ended with, well, an ending, when all along I had seen it as a beginning.