Another day has come and gone
we are one day closer
to being together again
to peace
to being whole again
The waiting seems unbearable
the quiet and emptiness
an ache that haunts me
The smell of you is fading
the edge of your parting dulling
I long for you
your closeness
your warmth
the way you close your eyes
when I touch you
Your return is so distant
I fear it will never come
What am I to do until then?
Come back to me...
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Friday, August 14, 2009
The Lovely Bones
My heart aches today as I think about my childhood friend Becky. I finished reading this book called The Lovely Bones about a girl who was raped and brutally murdered. It's written from the perspective of the girl in heaven looking down on the aftermath of her death - her killer's cover up, the investigation, and the way her family and friends grieved.
I couldn't help but think of Becky. I pictured her naked body frozen to the ground, the rope marks on her neck. Then her in her coffin in that hideous purple dress (which she would have outright loathed) with the high collar to try and cover the marks, and all the makeup that was a failed attempt to try and hide all her bruises and her broken jaw.
And I again wondered how long she suffered. How much pain and humiliation was she forced to endure before he killed her? Did she know he was going to kill her - that she was going to die? Was she scared or did she think of the family she would never see again?
She was so young and so beautiful. I thought it was such a tragedy that she had died so young, and that so much of her experience on earth had been so bleak and unhappy. It took me years to understand that while it was tragic the way she died, maybe she was better off in heaven. There would be no one there to neglect her, or abuse her, nobody touching her, no one telling her she wasn't good enough.
Even before she was killed, she was already defeated. Maybe it was a blessing she died so young. Maybe God has spared her from so much suffering.
This book made me wonder, is she too looking down from heaven with regret in her heart for all of the unfulfilled dreams and wishes? Watching her family and those of us who loved her and wondering if we remember her, still cherish her?
Do we ever really let tragedies go? They are part of us - they shape the way we think and feel - the pain, the hurt, the self-preservation. Is it all a part of life - a part of becoming whatever we are meant to be? That each lesson learned, each emotion, each relationship formed out of this tragedy become the "lovely bones" that bind us together.
I couldn't help but think of Becky. I pictured her naked body frozen to the ground, the rope marks on her neck. Then her in her coffin in that hideous purple dress (which she would have outright loathed) with the high collar to try and cover the marks, and all the makeup that was a failed attempt to try and hide all her bruises and her broken jaw.
And I again wondered how long she suffered. How much pain and humiliation was she forced to endure before he killed her? Did she know he was going to kill her - that she was going to die? Was she scared or did she think of the family she would never see again?
She was so young and so beautiful. I thought it was such a tragedy that she had died so young, and that so much of her experience on earth had been so bleak and unhappy. It took me years to understand that while it was tragic the way she died, maybe she was better off in heaven. There would be no one there to neglect her, or abuse her, nobody touching her, no one telling her she wasn't good enough.
Even before she was killed, she was already defeated. Maybe it was a blessing she died so young. Maybe God has spared her from so much suffering.
This book made me wonder, is she too looking down from heaven with regret in her heart for all of the unfulfilled dreams and wishes? Watching her family and those of us who loved her and wondering if we remember her, still cherish her?
Do we ever really let tragedies go? They are part of us - they shape the way we think and feel - the pain, the hurt, the self-preservation. Is it all a part of life - a part of becoming whatever we are meant to be? That each lesson learned, each emotion, each relationship formed out of this tragedy become the "lovely bones" that bind us together.
Sunday, August 9, 2009
A Bouquet of Freshly Sharpened Pencils...
It's hard to believe that school started last week since it is just the beginning of August and the Georgia summer is still at its peak.
Growing up, school always signaled the start of my favorite season - autumn. And it always started the same way - back to school shopping. Walking through the aisles of pencils and glue, trapper keepers and spiral notebooks, always makes me excited. It reminds me of that line from "You've Got Mail"..."I would send you a bouquet of freshly sharpened pencils if only I knew your name and address. Don't you just love New York in the fall?"
Then the days cool off, the leaves start to change into the most beautiful display, maple sugaring starts, and oh apple picking time! Mmm...apple sauce, apple pie, apple crisp, apple cider, apple jam...This is the time of year I miss New England the most.
And so tonight - since it is still 80 degrees out and the air conditioner is cranked, I shall settle for baking my grandmother's knobby apple cake and burning my Harvest Yankee Candle. And then I will remember my favorite spot in Connecticut on the corner of Bogg and Chappell streets - overlooking the valley with the old stones fences, the pond with the geese taking a break on their way south for the winter, the grazing cows, and the foliage on the surrounding hills. And I will imagine that I am home.
Growing up, school always signaled the start of my favorite season - autumn. And it always started the same way - back to school shopping. Walking through the aisles of pencils and glue, trapper keepers and spiral notebooks, always makes me excited. It reminds me of that line from "You've Got Mail"..."I would send you a bouquet of freshly sharpened pencils if only I knew your name and address. Don't you just love New York in the fall?"
Then the days cool off, the leaves start to change into the most beautiful display, maple sugaring starts, and oh apple picking time! Mmm...apple sauce, apple pie, apple crisp, apple cider, apple jam...This is the time of year I miss New England the most.
And so tonight - since it is still 80 degrees out and the air conditioner is cranked, I shall settle for baking my grandmother's knobby apple cake and burning my Harvest Yankee Candle. And then I will remember my favorite spot in Connecticut on the corner of Bogg and Chappell streets - overlooking the valley with the old stones fences, the pond with the geese taking a break on their way south for the winter, the grazing cows, and the foliage on the surrounding hills. And I will imagine that I am home.
Saturday, August 8, 2009
5 Things I Love About You
I love:
1. That you would do a job that you don't really like, that brings you no joy and takes you far away from your family, so that you can provide a safe and secure life for your family.
2. That you love me -even if I don't always recognize it in the way you show me, deep down I know how you feel. I am thankful to be secure enough in your love that I can trust it.
3. That sometimes it's enough just to be next to you.
4. That you respect my intellect - that you can appreciate my "inner geek."
5. That you understand me - happy, angry, sad, lonely, whatever. I can always just be me. I don't feel like I ever have to paint on a happy face or pretend with you.
1. That you would do a job that you don't really like, that brings you no joy and takes you far away from your family, so that you can provide a safe and secure life for your family.
2. That you love me -even if I don't always recognize it in the way you show me, deep down I know how you feel. I am thankful to be secure enough in your love that I can trust it.
3. That sometimes it's enough just to be next to you.
4. That you respect my intellect - that you can appreciate my "inner geek."
5. That you understand me - happy, angry, sad, lonely, whatever. I can always just be me. I don't feel like I ever have to paint on a happy face or pretend with you.
Maine
It's late, the kids are all tucked in bed, my husband's gone, and here I am, once again, completely unable to sleep. Although my body is physically exhausted my brain simply refuses to shut down. After an hour of lying in bed trying to make shapes out of the plaster and the shadows on the ceiling, I have finally given up and turned the light back on.
So here I am, as I so often find myself when my husband is away, suffering from some crazy inability to relax and fall asleep. Why is it that when he is here I sleep so perfectly, even when he is not next to me, yet I am completely unable to fall asleep even when exhausted when he is away?
Anyway, during my pitiful attempt to fall asleep, I was thinking about Maine. My brother is headed up there in a few weeks to visit our other brother and our dad. And I find that I am so jealous! it is such a beautiful place, and now that my relationship with my father is mended and so much time has passed since my childhood (you know what they say - the greatest distance between two points is time), I can think of it so much more fondly.
It is strange to me though, that while some things - the lighthouses and the rocky shore dotted with fishing boats - has remained the same, Maine, like Cape Cod, has changed so much. On the surface are certainly the little things, the Hesper and the Luther Little are gone, the school and the post office have moved, the town is bigger.
But the change runs deeper than that. Surely my generation has grown up, moving away, getting married, having kids, etc. But it's the flavor of the town that I find so different. Even with all the things that are the same, it is hard to recognize the place I once called home.
My brother told me on the phone the other day that he sometimes has a hard time thinking of us as all grown up - that he sometimes imagines us younger. I've thought a lot about it since he called. Maybe it's that we missed so many years together during the divorce. Most brothers and sisters spend their childhood's growing together, their lives on parallel paths, each traveling their own way to their own destination. But with a common starting place and shared experience, you can still arrive at a place of mutual understanding. But our paths carried us all across the country, and it seems we've been carried too far apart.
I find myself wishing I could be back at our shared starting place, with my family, wondering if their is a way to make our paths and our lives intersect.
So here I am, as I so often find myself when my husband is away, suffering from some crazy inability to relax and fall asleep. Why is it that when he is here I sleep so perfectly, even when he is not next to me, yet I am completely unable to fall asleep even when exhausted when he is away?
Anyway, during my pitiful attempt to fall asleep, I was thinking about Maine. My brother is headed up there in a few weeks to visit our other brother and our dad. And I find that I am so jealous! it is such a beautiful place, and now that my relationship with my father is mended and so much time has passed since my childhood (you know what they say - the greatest distance between two points is time), I can think of it so much more fondly.
It is strange to me though, that while some things - the lighthouses and the rocky shore dotted with fishing boats - has remained the same, Maine, like Cape Cod, has changed so much. On the surface are certainly the little things, the Hesper and the Luther Little are gone, the school and the post office have moved, the town is bigger.
But the change runs deeper than that. Surely my generation has grown up, moving away, getting married, having kids, etc. But it's the flavor of the town that I find so different. Even with all the things that are the same, it is hard to recognize the place I once called home.
My brother told me on the phone the other day that he sometimes has a hard time thinking of us as all grown up - that he sometimes imagines us younger. I've thought a lot about it since he called. Maybe it's that we missed so many years together during the divorce. Most brothers and sisters spend their childhood's growing together, their lives on parallel paths, each traveling their own way to their own destination. But with a common starting place and shared experience, you can still arrive at a place of mutual understanding. But our paths carried us all across the country, and it seems we've been carried too far apart.
I find myself wishing I could be back at our shared starting place, with my family, wondering if their is a way to make our paths and our lives intersect.
Thursday, August 6, 2009
"New Year" Resolutions
It occurs to me on this second day of school that I should embrace this year and make a few changes in my life. With my littlest one off to school five days a week, I will actually have time built in to my day for me - every single day. So it only seems fitting that I make some "new year" resolutions. Some big, some little...
This school year I resolve to:
1. Write daily - it moves me, inspires me, helps me think things through, and keeps me grounded. I need to make it more of a priority, because it brings me such peace.
2. To strengthen my changing relationships with my oldest two children. They're growing so fast - into an age where they spend more time with their friends, confiding less and less in me. I want to work on maintaining a good relationship with them.
3. To be more organized and habitual in my housekeeping.
4. To scrapbook more.
5. To continue trying to reforge stronger ties with my family - to communicate more and about more important stuff.
6. To continue my education. Perhaps with a degree in Journalism or Culinary Arts.
7. To create a "project" to undertake - like paper recycling at the school.
8. Try and reconnect with or start a book club.
9. To make a life to do list and start doing it.
10. To plan a trip to Italy and go.
11. To eat better.
12. To walk or bie daily - building up to 8 miles per day (New Zealand here I come).
13. Read more.
14. Be more earth friendly. Use recycled products whenever possible, drive less, and use environmentally friendly cleaning supplies. Overall to reduce my footprint.
This school year I resolve to:
1. Write daily - it moves me, inspires me, helps me think things through, and keeps me grounded. I need to make it more of a priority, because it brings me such peace.
2. To strengthen my changing relationships with my oldest two children. They're growing so fast - into an age where they spend more time with their friends, confiding less and less in me. I want to work on maintaining a good relationship with them.
3. To be more organized and habitual in my housekeeping.
4. To scrapbook more.
5. To continue trying to reforge stronger ties with my family - to communicate more and about more important stuff.
6. To continue my education. Perhaps with a degree in Journalism or Culinary Arts.
7. To create a "project" to undertake - like paper recycling at the school.
8. Try and reconnect with or start a book club.
9. To make a life to do list and start doing it.
10. To plan a trip to Italy and go.
11. To eat better.
12. To walk or bie daily - building up to 8 miles per day (New Zealand here I come).
13. Read more.
14. Be more earth friendly. Use recycled products whenever possible, drive less, and use environmentally friendly cleaning supplies. Overall to reduce my footprint.
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
The Five Virtues of Ancient China
I was watching a travel special not long ago on China. The featured places included of course The Great Wall, Tian'anmen Square, and the Forbidden City. It said within the Forbidden City are five marble bridges that represent the five virtues of ancient China: Benevolence, Righteousness, Intelligence, Rights, and Fidelity.
My first thought was how on earth could a country who regarded rights as one of their revered ancient virtues ever fall prey to Communism?
But then I began to think it extraordinary that as a nation they had actually defined virtues which acted as a guiding force and actually represented their character as a nation. And I wondered over their choices.
1. Benevolence: the disposition to do good.
2. Righteousness: acting in accord with divine moral law.
3. Intelligence: the skilled use of reason.
4. Rights: something to which one has just claim.
5. Fidelity: the quality of being faithful.
In reality, these are not altogether that different than what our founding fathers used as a framework when writing the Constitution. It is certainly clear from even The Declaration of Independence that we believe "all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain inalienable rights." But what is more interesting to me is that the writers of the Constitution, all men of God, presupposed that we would act accordingly as children of God, with benevolence and fidelity - and moreover that these qualities were indeed necessary for the success of the colonies.
Intelligence is a fundamental cornerstone of our society as well. We were established as an independent nation by learned men, some of the greatest minds in our history. We have always fought for education, and have guaranteed free public education.
But I disagree with fidelity. While I believe fidelity is a morally necessary component of any and all relationships, I would argue that freedom ought to take more priority on that list. We above all value freedom - we fought the English for it, and we have a Bill of Rights in our Constitution which guarantees many personal freedoms so many of us take for granted that are denied in so many other places in the world - freedom of speech, of the press, to own a gun, from tyranny, freedom of innocence unless proven guilty. But here is the question. Have we guaranteed these freedoms because we believe them to be rights?
It is amazing though that the Chinese highlighted these five virtues in the early 1400's and yet they are still so relevant to the world today.
My list would be:
1. Righteousness - which I equate with faith.
2. Compassion - not just benevolence - to do good - but to act with a sympathetic consciousness.
3. Rights.
4. Freedom.
5. Intelligence which goes hand in hand with Knowledge.
My first thought was how on earth could a country who regarded rights as one of their revered ancient virtues ever fall prey to Communism?
But then I began to think it extraordinary that as a nation they had actually defined virtues which acted as a guiding force and actually represented their character as a nation. And I wondered over their choices.
1. Benevolence: the disposition to do good.
2. Righteousness: acting in accord with divine moral law.
3. Intelligence: the skilled use of reason.
4. Rights: something to which one has just claim.
5. Fidelity: the quality of being faithful.
In reality, these are not altogether that different than what our founding fathers used as a framework when writing the Constitution. It is certainly clear from even The Declaration of Independence that we believe "all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain inalienable rights." But what is more interesting to me is that the writers of the Constitution, all men of God, presupposed that we would act accordingly as children of God, with benevolence and fidelity - and moreover that these qualities were indeed necessary for the success of the colonies.
Intelligence is a fundamental cornerstone of our society as well. We were established as an independent nation by learned men, some of the greatest minds in our history. We have always fought for education, and have guaranteed free public education.
But I disagree with fidelity. While I believe fidelity is a morally necessary component of any and all relationships, I would argue that freedom ought to take more priority on that list. We above all value freedom - we fought the English for it, and we have a Bill of Rights in our Constitution which guarantees many personal freedoms so many of us take for granted that are denied in so many other places in the world - freedom of speech, of the press, to own a gun, from tyranny, freedom of innocence unless proven guilty. But here is the question. Have we guaranteed these freedoms because we believe them to be rights?
It is amazing though that the Chinese highlighted these five virtues in the early 1400's and yet they are still so relevant to the world today.
My list would be:
1. Righteousness - which I equate with faith.
2. Compassion - not just benevolence - to do good - but to act with a sympathetic consciousness.
3. Rights.
4. Freedom.
5. Intelligence which goes hand in hand with Knowledge.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Eternal Echoes
Our life is an echo
Of our spirit today,
Of our essence
As it is,
Caught between
Our yesterday
And our tomorrow.
It is the resounding
Reality of who we are,
As a result of
Where we have been,
And where we will be,
For eternity.
by Mattie Stepanek from Journey Through Heartsongs
Of our spirit today,
Of our essence
As it is,
Caught between
Our yesterday
And our tomorrow.
It is the resounding
Reality of who we are,
As a result of
Where we have been,
And where we will be,
For eternity.
by Mattie Stepanek from Journey Through Heartsongs
You Are Gone
You are gone now
and the quiet engulfs me
the loneliness
an ache
that haunts
and unseats me
I lay with my head on your pillow
in hopes of finding some small trace of you there
There are times
I sit in your office
in your chair
staring at the pictures
of the things you love
the moments in time
you have captured
the things that you hold dear
in hopes of seeing you there
of catching some small glimpse of you
in your special moments in time
I know you haven't been gone long
but already it feels like a lifetime
I just wish I could hear your voice
or feel your arms around me
as you hold me close and kiss my temple
I take for granted
how safe I feel when you are here
and how nothing feels right
when you are gone
And then I know,
I am nothing if I am not with you.
and the quiet engulfs me
the loneliness
an ache
that haunts
and unseats me
I lay with my head on your pillow
in hopes of finding some small trace of you there
There are times
I sit in your office
in your chair
staring at the pictures
of the things you love
the moments in time
you have captured
the things that you hold dear
in hopes of seeing you there
of catching some small glimpse of you
in your special moments in time
I know you haven't been gone long
but already it feels like a lifetime
I just wish I could hear your voice
or feel your arms around me
as you hold me close and kiss my temple
I take for granted
how safe I feel when you are here
and how nothing feels right
when you are gone
And then I know,
I am nothing if I am not with you.
Cranford
I just finished watching the first part of Cranford, and despite it being entirely British, it reminded me so much of home. Home - which to a military family has its own unique interpretation. In fact, there are many ways in which I have come to consider myself a refugee- a citizen of Nowhere, USA.
I guess what it made me think of is nothing entirely new, in and of itself. I couldn't wait to get away from Maine; I've spent countless hours riddling why. It was certainly beautiful enough, and when people ask me where I am from, my answer is always the same. And they say home is where your heart is. Then why was it I couldn't wait to leave?
Family? Circumstances? History? The confines of a small town? The gossip? The lack of opportunity? It wasn't really one thing so much as it was everything. I just wanted more. And now, fifteen years later, I still don't know what that more is.
I guess what has me thinking is that every other time I have watched a show about a small town like Edgecomb, I've always been reassured of my leaving, as if it validated my decision in every way. But somehow tonight was different. It reminded me that although I have spent a lifetime, or at least what feels like it, running away from that place I always feel most comfortable, and even gravitate towards a place just like it. There are parts of it that are intrinsically me.
Instead of seeing a gossipping, crazy, small-town nature where the nothing that makes up every day life becomes the very something that makes up every day life, I saw it as the true meaning of life. That to know people and a way of life that well that you feel an intrinsic connection to them is a blessing - not a burden as I had always perceived it in the past. That to know the good and bad in someone at their very core, and still care for them is what life is really all about. That these friends and neighbors become a family unique unto themselves, to that place and that moment in time is an extraordinary blessing.
Why is that I had to travel so far and for so long to finally figure that out?
I guess what it made me think of is nothing entirely new, in and of itself. I couldn't wait to get away from Maine; I've spent countless hours riddling why. It was certainly beautiful enough, and when people ask me where I am from, my answer is always the same. And they say home is where your heart is. Then why was it I couldn't wait to leave?
Family? Circumstances? History? The confines of a small town? The gossip? The lack of opportunity? It wasn't really one thing so much as it was everything. I just wanted more. And now, fifteen years later, I still don't know what that more is.
I guess what has me thinking is that every other time I have watched a show about a small town like Edgecomb, I've always been reassured of my leaving, as if it validated my decision in every way. But somehow tonight was different. It reminded me that although I have spent a lifetime, or at least what feels like it, running away from that place I always feel most comfortable, and even gravitate towards a place just like it. There are parts of it that are intrinsically me.
Instead of seeing a gossipping, crazy, small-town nature where the nothing that makes up every day life becomes the very something that makes up every day life, I saw it as the true meaning of life. That to know people and a way of life that well that you feel an intrinsic connection to them is a blessing - not a burden as I had always perceived it in the past. That to know the good and bad in someone at their very core, and still care for them is what life is really all about. That these friends and neighbors become a family unique unto themselves, to that place and that moment in time is an extraordinary blessing.
Why is that I had to travel so far and for so long to finally figure that out?
You're Leaving Me
You're leaving me
alone
with my hurt and my fear
What if you come home altered?
What if you don't need me?
It's so quiet
when you're away
there's too much time
time to worry
to change
to hear myself think
time to be alone
You're leaving me
alone
with my heart
and my desire
You're leaving me...
alone
with my hurt and my fear
What if you come home altered?
What if you don't need me?
It's so quiet
when you're away
there's too much time
time to worry
to change
to hear myself think
time to be alone
You're leaving me
alone
with my heart
and my desire
You're leaving me...
Friday, June 26, 2009
Attitude of Gratitude
With my husband leaving, I need this more than ever today! It is so easy to get caught up in the negativity of good byes and wallow in self-pity. So, for today I am endeavoring to be positive, and remember all the blessings in my life!
I am grateful:
1. For the extra few days we had when the boats schedule got changed yet again.
2. That although I spent my anniversary alone, I'm happy and grateful to be celebrating our 13th year together!
3. That I have such great friends - to lift me up when I need it most.
4. That the "leak" in the washing machine happened while my husband was still here and turned out not to be a leak after all.
5. For riding lawnmowers!
6. For Mozart - listening to his music always calms me.
7. For large cokes from Sonic. Sometimes it's the little things in life...
8. For unexpected surprises.
9. For bubble baths.
10. For my faith. "The will of God will never take you where the grace of God will not protect you."
I am grateful:
1. For the extra few days we had when the boats schedule got changed yet again.
2. That although I spent my anniversary alone, I'm happy and grateful to be celebrating our 13th year together!
3. That I have such great friends - to lift me up when I need it most.
4. That the "leak" in the washing machine happened while my husband was still here and turned out not to be a leak after all.
5. For riding lawnmowers!
6. For Mozart - listening to his music always calms me.
7. For large cokes from Sonic. Sometimes it's the little things in life...
8. For unexpected surprises.
9. For bubble baths.
10. For my faith. "The will of God will never take you where the grace of God will not protect you."
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