I used to see myself in his eyes.
I don't know why or how, but over time it began to fade.
The harder I tried to be what he wanted me to be,
the less I saw myself there.
Until one day I looked,
and I was gone.

A Heart Full of Anger...

I lie awake at night sometimes and wonder what our life could have been
The way we would be, the things we would be doing if the phone hadn't rung that day
That one moment changed you, changed me, changed us...

For years I struggled to understand the world, to understand suffering
I tried to make sense of the things that had happened to me
To find truth and forgiveness - to finally move on and build a new life

I had run so hard and so fast - trying to leave it all behind me
Only to find I left a wake trailing behind me
And when I finally came to rest, the ripples and waves caught up with me, swayed me

I fashioned a new life around you and your strength, your detachment from the life I had led
I built a fantasy around you and our new life together
I dreamed of finding peace

I pushed my family away - keeping them neatly on a shelf
I compartmentalized them, with my feelings and memories
As painful reminders of a life I was trying so hard to forget

But you too had your secrets - you too were running away
Were you hiding? Or looking for a second chance?
Was I your refuge? Or your salvation?

With one phone call, there were no more secrets, no more running, no more dreams
I had lost everything, everyone I believed in
I was alone, once again, with my hurt and my anger

So much time has passed since that day; life has found a way to move on
In so many ways I'm not sure that it has
We are still the same, frozen in that moment of time, when everything changes but you don't know what to do or how to be

I had thought you were my salvation, that the life we would build would be enough
It would be good enough to replace the pain, but it added more
A heart full of anger has no room for love

I wanted so much from you - from us
All my life I tried to complete myself with someone else
I don't want that anymore...