You're Leaving Me

You're leaving me
alone
with my hurt and my fear

What if you come home altered?
What if you don't need me?

It's so quiet
when you're away
there's too much time
time to worry
to change
to hear myself think

time to be alone

You're leaving me
alone
with my heart
and my desire

You're leaving me...

Attitude of Gratitude

With my husband leaving, I need this more than ever today! It is so easy to get caught up in the negativity of good byes and wallow in self-pity. So, for today I am endeavoring to be positive, and remember all the blessings in my life!

I am grateful:

1. For the extra few days we had when the boats schedule got changed yet again.

2. That although I spent my anniversary alone, I'm happy and grateful to be celebrating our 13th year together!

3. That I have such great friends - to lift me up when I need it most.

4. That the "leak" in the washing machine happened while my husband was still here and turned out not to be a leak after all.

5. For riding lawnmowers!

6. For Mozart - listening to his music always calms me.

7. For large cokes from Sonic. Sometimes it's the little things in life...

8. For unexpected surprises.

9. For bubble baths.

10. For my faith. "The will of God will never take you where the grace of God will not protect you."

I used to see myself in his eyes.
I don't know why or how, but over time it began to fade.
The harder I tried to be what he wanted me to be,
the less I saw myself there.
Until one day I looked,
and I was gone.

A Heart Full of Anger...

I lie awake at night sometimes and wonder what our life could have been
The way we would be, the things we would be doing if the phone hadn't rung that day
That one moment changed you, changed me, changed us...

For years I struggled to understand the world, to understand suffering
I tried to make sense of the things that had happened to me
To find truth and forgiveness - to finally move on and build a new life

I had run so hard and so fast - trying to leave it all behind me
Only to find I left a wake trailing behind me
And when I finally came to rest, the ripples and waves caught up with me, swayed me

I fashioned a new life around you and your strength, your detachment from the life I had led
I built a fantasy around you and our new life together
I dreamed of finding peace

I pushed my family away - keeping them neatly on a shelf
I compartmentalized them, with my feelings and memories
As painful reminders of a life I was trying so hard to forget

But you too had your secrets - you too were running away
Were you hiding? Or looking for a second chance?
Was I your refuge? Or your salvation?

With one phone call, there were no more secrets, no more running, no more dreams
I had lost everything, everyone I believed in
I was alone, once again, with my hurt and my anger

So much time has passed since that day; life has found a way to move on
In so many ways I'm not sure that it has
We are still the same, frozen in that moment of time, when everything changes but you don't know what to do or how to be

I had thought you were my salvation, that the life we would build would be enough
It would be good enough to replace the pain, but it added more
A heart full of anger has no room for love

I wanted so much from you - from us
All my life I tried to complete myself with someone else
I don't want that anymore...

Sleepless Nights

As I was driving onto base the other day, the chaplain's message on the church board said "Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass. It's about learning to dance in the rain."

Sometimes that is so hard to do. Life starts to feel like one event after another - like of I can just make it through this life will slow down again. And yet somehow it never does. Something else inevitably comes along and messes things up. Life's routine is by it's very definition not routine at all. I find myself waking up in the morning and sitting with a hot mug of tea and reminding myself to face each day with a positive attitude. Life could be SOOO much worse.

And, I have a beautiful home with three loving and healthy children, plenty to eat, and nice clothes to wear. I really have nothing worthy of complaint in my life, and yet I still do. I know that happiness is a decision you make. Just lately for some reason it seems harder to put that into practice. I need to make it my daily mantra and tattoo it on the back of my hand so I don't forget it!

It is now after midnight, and I'm sitting here babbling, so I'm off to bed. So that I can face Monday with a good attitude. OK, well, being realistic, I'll settle for just not a completely piss-poor one! Night!

Quote for the Day

"Tenderness and kindness are not signs of weakness and despair but manifestations of strength and resolution."

Kahlil Gibran

Getting Old...

Well, I obviously haven't been on here in awhile. I really don't have much excuse either except that life has taken over once again, and me-time has been pushed to the back burner. I am totally feeling it now, because my brain feels ready to explode from too much pent up, well, everything!

So, it has been a crazy month here. My daughter turned 9, and for one of her presents I finally agreed to let her pierce her ears. Up until now, when I asked her why she wanted them pierced, she would always answer because the others girls have theirs pierced. I thought that was kind of a stupid reason, so I told her no. After all, if she caves in to peer pressure now, what's going to happen later when something much bigger (i.e. drugs or sex) are on the line. So, when she said because she thought it looks pretty and that she was finally old enough, I had to agree. So, I took her the other day, and she was SO excited! She does look really cute, and I keep catching her looking at herself in the mirror. My issue is only that this was on my list of rites of passage as you get older...

To make me feel even older (as if that was not enough), my son just turned 11. Yup, 11! Most days I still feel too young to have an 11 year old. But, I digress. We were out shopping the other day, picking up Halloween Costumes, and he said he didn't want one. He said he was too old to get dressed up and go Trick or Treating! Too old! What does that make me? Ancient? You know, I am not much of a Halloween girl myself, but I found myself standing in the middle of Target almost pleading with him for just one more year. He just said no thanks...

So, here I sit, late at night, unable to sleep as my husband has stinky duty and is getting ready to deploy yet again, feeling a little old and quite frankly sorry for myself. So, I think I shall go make a cup of tea, take a nice hot bath, and melt my troubles away.