Inside My Heart

from February 24, 2010

A few moths ago, I read this book called Inside My Heart by Robin McGraw (Dr. Phil's wife). it was a nice uplifting book about learning to take what comes your way in life and choosing how to handle it, how to take all the crap and the negativity and not let it control you, but use it to make you stronger.

One of my favorite parts of the book was when she was talking about her parents. She said that we get caught up in all the baggage from our childhoods, all the negative things our parents did, that we often forget to see the good, especially the good that comes from the bad. The things we learn we don't want in our own lives.

And so I followed her example, and I made a list of things, good and bad, that I had learned from my parents - my parents' legacy to me.

Since I was closer to my mother growing up, I'll start with her. She was a stay-at-home mother for most of my childhood. And she was an excellent mother - we were well cared for, well loved, we were provided for (despite being poor) and well educated. She kept a clean and efficient household and was an incredible cook and baker. I learned the importance of love and motherly devotion. I know I inherited her love of food and cooking, and the value of family meals. I knew when my time came to be a mom, she was the kind of mother I wanted to be.

In addition to my mother's household chores, she was also our social coordinator - not an easy task with four kids and no money. But she was always taking us places, to see and try out new things. Sometimes there were museums and Greek restaurants, and other times it was nature walks and mountain climbing, or just a trip to the beach. I learned to enjoy the diversity in life and have an absolute LOVE of travel because of my mother's creative ways in entertaining us. I learned to make the most of every opportunity, and that your education can come from many places and will always be what you make it.

And as we attended church and Sunday School every week, I learned the value of faith. I learned about God even when I thought it was a wasted exercise. And I do not struggle with my beliefs and faith like so many of my friends do.

One of my mother's greatest traits, has always been her generosity - even when she had so little to give. She taught me that you can always give something, even if just a part of yourself. The greatest gift is any gift that is given with love.

But somewhere in all this taking care of everyone else, my mother was always at the bottom of her list, especially financially, but really in every way. She fell into such a pattern of self-neglect that I still don't think she has moved past it. She was so often tired and overwhelmed with the pressures of her life, but she never took the time to take care of her emotional needs. I knew I never wanted to be that mother or that wife. I didn't want to wake up twenty years into my marriage and say I just can't do this anymore.

Now my father, I really don't have strong memories of my father from my childhood because he really wasn't around very much. What I know of those years I know because of the fallout from my parents' divorce. Because of what, in my childish mind, I believed all could have been avoided. only if...

I knew that I did not want to marry a smoker or a heavy drinker. I would not be married to an alcoholic. I knew those were two things I would never tolerate in my life. I had witnessed their destruction for far too many years.

In growing older, and gaining perspective and wisdom, I now understand that my father's drinking was really a culmination of so many other things, an escape from a failing marriage and a job that he didn't really love, and from the financial burden of raising a family. But I also see that he worked at a job to provide for us (such as it was) because that was his responsibility. Period.

I knew that I never wanted to be stuck in a job that I hated. So much of your time as an adult is devoted to work, so why not work at a job that you love?

Over the years, my father slowly regained control of his life by quitting drinking and smoking, by attending church, mending bridges and has become the great man that I am truly proud to call my father. He taught me that you are never too old to change - if you want it bad enough, make it happen. And there are such things as second chances.

From my parents' divorce, and all the pain and hardship it caused in my life, I knew it was something I never wanted to put my own children through, not without exhausting every single possibility known to man first. I wanted my children to remember the love of our family coming together around the table every day, not just on special occasions. They taught me to fight for my marriage.

With all the time we spent apart during the separation and divorce, our relationships all suffered. We have had to work hard as adults to rebuild those relationships, and I've always wondered how different things would have been had we all lived together. I learned that your family are the most important people on earth, and you have to make them, and keep them a priority in your life.

And finally, after an entire childhood of watching my parents struggle to pay the bills and repairs cars, and simply provide for us kids, I knew that I did not want that struggle in my own life. I was willing to make certain sacrifices (like having a husband at sea) to ensure that my family was never in that situation. I'm not so naive as to believe I could (or can) guarantee that, but I know what I am and am not willing to do to prevent it.

It's funny, after making this list, I realized that I got from my parents exactly what I was supposed to: the knowledge of how to be a happy and productive member of society, a good mother, a good wife, and a good person. And so I realized that all that baggage they gave me was just as much a blessing as it was a burden. That is my parents' legacy.