From the mouths of babes...

from February 25, 2010

Last night as I sat down at my desk, I was greeted by a stack of notebooks and journals my daughter had outgrown and was ready to throw away or pass down to her little sister. So of course I flipped through them to see whether there was anything I should hang onto (either for posterity or for laughs later on in life).

I came across some pictures she had drawn of our dog Ralph and some poetry she had written right after he died which I pulled out to keep for her. Of course there were the random I Heart Taylor which of course was later scribbled out and replaced with some other boy's name; random doodles, lists of friends, etc.

But what caught my attention were the last two pages of one of the books. It said, "Mothering Report. Jennifer M: F." And the F was huge - we're not talking a small failure, we're talking taking up a whole page failure. The next page said, "My mother is the worst mother in the whole world!!!!!! I hate her guts! My heart" with a picture of a large broken heart.

I just sat there numbly. I have honestly never been so hurt by someones words as I was in that moment. That someone I had loved so wholeheartedly and unconditionally would feel that way about me, broke my heart.

I spent today while she was at school debating whether or not I should say anything to her. It did really hurt, and I wanted to know what I had done that had caused such a flash of anger (even if momentary). And it wasn't as if the diaries were state secrets, she left them on my desk. I finally decided I would ask, but do it in a light-hearted way so that it wouldn't be confrontational.

I couldn't believe her answer! She said she wrote it one day last year when it had started raining, but I hadn't realized it so I didn't come pick her up from school. She had to walk home in the rain (granted it was pouring rain). Of course when she got home I felt terrible, and while she put on dry clothes I made her hot cocoa with plenty of marshmallows, and I even made her brownies. And of course I apologized!

Of all the things I have (and have not) done as a mother, I can't believe that's what she'd give me an F for!