Eternal Echoes

Our life is an echo
Of our spirit today,
Of our essence
As it is,
Caught between
Our yesterday
And our tomorrow.
It is the resounding
Reality of who we are,
As a result of
Where we have been,
And where we will be,
For eternity.

by Mattie Stepanek from Journey Through Heartsongs

You Are Gone

You are gone now
and the quiet engulfs me
the loneliness
an ache
that haunts
and unseats me

I lay with my head on your pillow
in hopes of finding some small trace of you there

There are times
I sit in your office
in your chair
staring at the pictures
of the things you love
the moments in time
you have captured
the things that you hold dear
in hopes of seeing you there
of catching some small glimpse of you
in your special moments in time

I know you haven't been gone long
but already it feels like a lifetime
I just wish I could hear your voice
or feel your arms around me
as you hold me close and kiss my temple

I take for granted
how safe I feel when you are here
and how nothing feels right
when you are gone

And then I know,
I am nothing if I am not with you.

Cranford

I just finished watching the first part of Cranford, and despite it being entirely British, it reminded me so much of home. Home - which to a military family has its own unique interpretation. In fact, there are many ways in which I have come to consider myself a refugee- a citizen of Nowhere, USA.

I guess what it made me think of is nothing entirely new, in and of itself. I couldn't wait to get away from Maine; I've spent countless hours riddling why. It was certainly beautiful enough, and when people ask me where I am from, my answer is always the same. And they say home is where your heart is. Then why was it I couldn't wait to leave?

Family? Circumstances? History? The confines of a small town? The gossip? The lack of opportunity? It wasn't really one thing so much as it was everything. I just wanted more. And now, fifteen years later, I still don't know what that more is.

I guess what has me thinking is that every other time I have watched a show about a small town like Edgecomb, I've always been reassured of my leaving, as if it validated my decision in every way. But somehow tonight was different. It reminded me that although I have spent a lifetime, or at least what feels like it, running away from that place I always feel most comfortable, and even gravitate towards a place just like it. There are parts of it that are intrinsically me.

Instead of seeing a gossipping, crazy, small-town nature where the nothing that makes up every day life becomes the very something that makes up every day life, I saw it as the true meaning of life. That to know people and a way of life that well that you feel an intrinsic connection to them is a blessing - not a burden as I had always perceived it in the past. That to know the good and bad in someone at their very core, and still care for them is what life is really all about. That these friends and neighbors become a family unique unto themselves, to that place and that moment in time is an extraordinary blessing.

Why is that I had to travel so far and for so long to finally figure that out?

You're Leaving Me

You're leaving me
alone
with my hurt and my fear

What if you come home altered?
What if you don't need me?

It's so quiet
when you're away
there's too much time
time to worry
to change
to hear myself think

time to be alone

You're leaving me
alone
with my heart
and my desire

You're leaving me...

Attitude of Gratitude

With my husband leaving, I need this more than ever today! It is so easy to get caught up in the negativity of good byes and wallow in self-pity. So, for today I am endeavoring to be positive, and remember all the blessings in my life!

I am grateful:

1. For the extra few days we had when the boats schedule got changed yet again.

2. That although I spent my anniversary alone, I'm happy and grateful to be celebrating our 13th year together!

3. That I have such great friends - to lift me up when I need it most.

4. That the "leak" in the washing machine happened while my husband was still here and turned out not to be a leak after all.

5. For riding lawnmowers!

6. For Mozart - listening to his music always calms me.

7. For large cokes from Sonic. Sometimes it's the little things in life...

8. For unexpected surprises.

9. For bubble baths.

10. For my faith. "The will of God will never take you where the grace of God will not protect you."

I used to see myself in his eyes.
I don't know why or how, but over time it began to fade.
The harder I tried to be what he wanted me to be,
the less I saw myself there.
Until one day I looked,
and I was gone.

A Heart Full of Anger...

I lie awake at night sometimes and wonder what our life could have been
The way we would be, the things we would be doing if the phone hadn't rung that day
That one moment changed you, changed me, changed us...

For years I struggled to understand the world, to understand suffering
I tried to make sense of the things that had happened to me
To find truth and forgiveness - to finally move on and build a new life

I had run so hard and so fast - trying to leave it all behind me
Only to find I left a wake trailing behind me
And when I finally came to rest, the ripples and waves caught up with me, swayed me

I fashioned a new life around you and your strength, your detachment from the life I had led
I built a fantasy around you and our new life together
I dreamed of finding peace

I pushed my family away - keeping them neatly on a shelf
I compartmentalized them, with my feelings and memories
As painful reminders of a life I was trying so hard to forget

But you too had your secrets - you too were running away
Were you hiding? Or looking for a second chance?
Was I your refuge? Or your salvation?

With one phone call, there were no more secrets, no more running, no more dreams
I had lost everything, everyone I believed in
I was alone, once again, with my hurt and my anger

So much time has passed since that day; life has found a way to move on
In so many ways I'm not sure that it has
We are still the same, frozen in that moment of time, when everything changes but you don't know what to do or how to be

I had thought you were my salvation, that the life we would build would be enough
It would be good enough to replace the pain, but it added more
A heart full of anger has no room for love

I wanted so much from you - from us
All my life I tried to complete myself with someone else
I don't want that anymore...